Genesis

1
1 In the beginning, God created Earth and Stafford. End of.


2
1 From God, man was created in his own image barring a few oddities that had somehow evolved over the years. Man wandered the barren wastelands of Stafford for 8,000 years. 2 One day, God appeared to man and said "Why do you wander so aimlessly?" and Man said "Stafford is barren wasteland full of ugly chicks and crap pubs". 3 And so God said unto Man "Deal with it". Man eventually made his way into a pub and became intoxicated on alcohol and lay with a fat emo. 4 Man fell out of favour with the Lord from this misdeed and was punished with a chav child. Man said unto the Lord "Why hast thou burdened me with such a bastard child?" and God replied "Thou hast lay with an emo and must be punished". 5 Man named the child Scouse and was cursed by the Lord to be a loudmouthed arsebandit for the rest of his natural life.
6 One day, while Scouse was taking a walk through the streets of Stafford, the Lord appeared to him and said "Thou hast been an arsebandit and must be put to death". Scouse replied " But Lord..." and then punched the Lord and stole his car stereo. 7 The Lord was not pleased at this misdeed and exiled Scouse and cursed him to be unbearably annoying. Scouse would forever try and gain attention by talking to everyone about anything, but would ultimately be ignored all the time.

3
1 One day, whilst the Lord was surveying the Earth He realised that the people of Stafford, whom he had banished from Earth had been punished enough for their misdeeds and so placed a monument of great beauty and entertainment. He named this place "Riley's". 2 This place was deemed too holy for the People of Stafford and would only be accessible to righteous travelers from outside the walls of Stafford and so He created another place not as holy and named it Wetherspoons. 3 For the people of Stafford, it was a blessing from the Lord and word spread far and wide about this place and it became packed and you had to wait about 20 minutes at the bar for a drink.

4 One day, while waiting for a pint, the Lord appeared to a man named Philip. He was a righteous man and so Holy that he could gain access to Riley's. The Lord told him "This place has become too wicked and must be cleansed of all sin". Philip replied "What must you have me do". And so the Lord said "Get the **** out, what do you think?". 5 And so Philip traveled back to his lodgings and warned all righteous people of the impending wave of cleansing. They then traveled to Riley's to wait out the storm. With him Philip took Jon, Michael, Daniel, Andrew, David, Luke, Ben and Counterstrike Phil. 6 As the storm hit the Lord said "Do not look, for I am cleansing the whole of Stafford" but curiosity got the better of Counterstrike Phil and he looked and turned into a pillar of salt... I'm sorry, a pillar of stupid and thus was expelled from Riley's to suffer the wrath of the Lord.
7 Once the storm subsided, the Lord appeared to the righteous men and deemed them all worthy of Sainthood. He deemed that Philip should be the Saint of War with his HAMMER *I crack me up*, Jon would be Saint of Ale, Michael Saint of Drinking Ale, Daniel Saint of One-Liners, Andew Saint of Being Meatspinned, David Saint of Cars, Luke Saint of drunkenness and Ben Saint of The One Ring *hawhawhaw*. 8 And so it was writ, that these 8 men shall be blessed for all eternity and shall never fall out of favour with the Lord.
9 During the cleansing however, one creature survived God's wrath. His name was Alan, Lord of Emo's. During the time of cleansing he was having a blood test at a Holy Clinic which he should not have been able to enter. But his Emo power was so strong he could overcome the curse on him. To make things worse, he was Scottish.

Genesis Continued next time...